I'm Thinking . . .

I'm thinking that I worry too much.  I'm an Otter/Beaver/Lion  - a Liottereaver - or something like that.  That means I can be the life of the party and meticulously clean it up while directing others on what they should be doing to make sure the party is a success.  The Beaver side of me loves order and wants to be right - or at the least know what's right. The Beaver is highly critical of self and others.  I've matured enough to curtail my critique of others, at least publicly.  But my critique of self is relentless.  

Should I have the students do a project?  Mr. X did a project and it was wonderful. What am I doing that my projects aren't like that? Should I be on the same text as Ms. ZZ? Why are my students so wound-up today? I did YY so why didn't I see AA? I'm just not doing this right.  Maybe I don't need to teach, just work with teachers.

On and on the thoughts swirl in my head in a vortex of cataclysmic self-reflection and doubt - the Otter said. 

Okay, some reflection is good. Constant, negative self-reflection is the basis of anxiety and neurosis.  Why does the act of teaching make me anxious more so than -- say -- raising kids, preaching a sermon, or singing and acting in front of hundreds?  Is it the fact that teachers are judged based on their behavior, students' behavior and other factors which may be out of one's control? Is it the desire to have one right answer for every problem teaching presents?  Or is it simply that teachers are highly neurotic and anxiety driven?

Life is best lived free from worry. As I prepared for today's lesson, I was too tired to think.  I knew what the goal would be and how to know if the goal was achieved; I just didn't stress about it.  I decided to relax.  I allowed the students time to discuss their warm-ups.  When they were done, I moved on. I shifted into finding textual evidence for an essay.  Students highlighted text and then decided which text supported their inferences.  Some students helped pass out highlighters. Students who finished first helped look up synonyms for overworked words used as character traits. I was relaxed.  The students were relaxed and working.

I'm thinking I need to continue to learn to let go of anxiety and the need for perfection and just live.  Live in the moment, whether it be the classroom or the dining room.  Enjoy the moment without worrying about being perfect.  Just be.