I'm Thinking . . .

I'm thinking that I worry too much.  I'm an Otter/Beaver/Lion  - a Liottereaver - or something like that.  That means I can be the life of the party and meticulously clean it up while directing others on what they should be doing to make sure the party is a success.  The Beaver side of me loves order and wants to be right - or at the least know what's right. The Beaver is highly critical of self and others.  I've matured enough to curtail my critique of others, at least publicly.  But my critique of self is relentless.  

Should I have the students do a project?  Mr. X did a project and it was wonderful. What am I doing that my projects aren't like that? Should I be on the same text as Ms. ZZ? Why are my students so wound-up today? I did YY so why didn't I see AA? I'm just not doing this right.  Maybe I don't need to teach, just work with teachers.

On and on the thoughts swirl in my head in a vortex of cataclysmic self-reflection and doubt - the Otter said. 

Okay, some reflection is good. Constant, negative self-reflection is the basis of anxiety and neurosis.  Why does the act of teaching make me anxious more so than -- say -- raising kids, preaching a sermon, or singing and acting in front of hundreds?  Is it the fact that teachers are judged based on their behavior, students' behavior and other factors which may be out of one's control? Is it the desire to have one right answer for every problem teaching presents?  Or is it simply that teachers are highly neurotic and anxiety driven?

Life is best lived free from worry. As I prepared for today's lesson, I was too tired to think.  I knew what the goal would be and how to know if the goal was achieved; I just didn't stress about it.  I decided to relax.  I allowed the students time to discuss their warm-ups.  When they were done, I moved on. I shifted into finding textual evidence for an essay.  Students highlighted text and then decided which text supported their inferences.  Some students helped pass out highlighters. Students who finished first helped look up synonyms for overworked words used as character traits. I was relaxed.  The students were relaxed and working.

I'm thinking I need to continue to learn to let go of anxiety and the need for perfection and just live.  Live in the moment, whether it be the classroom or the dining room.  Enjoy the moment without worrying about being perfect.  Just be.

Thoughts on Ladson-Billings Notions of "Culturally Relevant Pedagogy"

"Culturally relevant pedagogy rests on three criteria or propositions: (a)Students must experience academic success; (b) students must develop and/or maintain cultural competence; and (c) students must develop a critical consciousness through which they challenge the status quo of the current social order."
 taken from "But That's Just Good Teaching! The Case for Culturally Relevant Pedagogy" by Gloria Ladson-Billings.

"The trick of culturally relevant teaching is to get students to 'choose' academic excellence." 

I must learn this trick again.  When I first entered the teaching field after spending several years in academia (PSU for undergrad and U Penn for grad), I could've tackled this challenge with quite a bit of vim and vigor.  20 years later, battle-weary and worn, I must re-learn what I once took for granted --Teaching is the art of transformation.  

When I first exited the hallowed halls of U Penn, transformation was what I was seeking, was what both my husband and I assumed we were pursuing. We attended school at the University of Pennsylvania's Graduate School of Education where we read the works of Bell, Dewey, and --yes -- Ladson-Billings. Our fingers were on the pulse of micro-aggressions and "White Privilege."  We spent countless hours with our peers discussing the state of the black community and our passionate desire to make a difference in the world. We talked in terms of Dubois's "double-consciousness," the concepts of code-switching and the then-popular "Ebonics."

It was a glorious time in our lives -- meeting friends at Valley Forge for brunch and conversation, biking on East River Drive with only our passionate convictions in tow (children would come much later).

Fast forward two decades.  After having to defend myself against false accusations of racism during my first year of teaching, it has taken me almost as much time to rebuild my confidence in who I am as a teacher, transformer and person.  Like the incumbent who claims to be running as an "outsider" because he doesn't want to be labeled as belonging to the "establishment," I am now part of a system that has transformed me into a cog. 

Where and how does this transformation take place? Life happens.  A freshman teacher is accused of wrong, defends herself and must navigate the waters alone. Second guessing herself at every turn, she makes strides, but receives no real guidance.  As the years progress, she continues to battle issues of doubt and low self-esteem, all the while trying to understand and implement the "latest and greatest" trends in the district.  Enter a new curriculum which calls for strict adherence and what remains of any form of ingenuity and creativity gets crammed into the narrow confines of pacing and specified patterns of learning. Finally, add in a dose of objective evaluation which easily mutates into subjectivity in the right hands and -- presto -- you have a veteran teacher.

So where am I now.  Surely I could have used a dose of culturally relevant pedagogy in my own shaping. But it's too late for that.  I must come out on the other side as a seeker of change.  That's where the journey began for me and my husband, wanting to make a difference.  Indeed, that's the goal for both teacher and student -- to "challenge the status quo." I forgot that such an undertaking is tantamount to declaring war and in war there are casualties, winners and losers.  

So it's been a 20 year war that I am recovering from, but still fighting in.  Who said change was easy? Who said transformers don't get knocked down and pushed about?  Effort, resilience, stick-to-it-tiveness are all required for those who seek to make a difference.

The question is "Am I still a seeker?"  Absolutely! I haven't endured such intense personal and professional battles as an educator just to raise the white flag and march off the battlefield with upraised arms in surrender. I'm all in.  If Ladson-Billings delineates three components of culturally relevant pedagogy, I'll certainly add that to my planning.

Ugly Monday

Mondays can be ugly!  Dragging into the school building after a weekend crammed with car appointments, food shopping, date-nite dining out, activities and church, my Monday looked startling ugly.  Energy was no where to be found and smiles had to be coerced -- from the teacher.

In spite of the unpleasantness of this day, I was focused long enough to teach the skill of summarizing. Oh, it was a frightful process, but a process nonetheless. 

I demonstrated summarizing the reading (from last week).  I walked through the steps using the ELMO for the visual learners.  I then asked them to walk through the steps with a partner using 1 of last week's readings.  The horror!  Truly too much time had lapsed between reading and summarizing for a 13 year old brain (not to mention absentees).  I switched gears and stepped through the process with them again.

Things perked up when we engaged in reading/listening to text today.  I again set them about the task of summarizing -- "Name It," "Verb It," "Big Picture It."  Create jot dot points of the main ideas. They shared (under great coercion) with partners. They shared with the whole class.  I used their ideas as points of emphasis.  I could see what they did and did not get.  I made corrections on the spot. I sent them home with the task of writing out the summary.

Ugly Monday transformed into Productive Monday.  I'm still dragging -- tomato soup and Triscuits don't quite boost the energy as I thought they would -- but I'm getting my work done.